LeftHand Door
by ThenWhenWeRetire
Summary: Short not-so-happy ficlet about what Judas sees after the noose. R/R!


A/N: I suppose this could go with any version of JCS, but the one I had in mind was the 2005 Amstetten production. Drew Sarich's Judas makes me cry. I want to give him a huge hug! (Sadly, he doesn't get one here.)

* * *

Judas stared at the figure. It was man-shaped but certainly not a person; its blank white eyes didn't blink, its movements were too fluid to be the work of mortal muscles and when it spoke - if 'spoke' was the right term at all - the words resounded clearly in Judas's mind without ever passing from the pale closed lips.

_Judas Iscariot._

"Yes." Judas cleared his throat. "Yes, that's... me." The few moments he'd spent fading into death had seemed an eternity; he'd had time to (among other things, like regret about half the choices he'd made in his life and mourn the thousand dreams he was leaving unfulfilled) compose exactly what he wanted to say to God about the part he'd played in Jesus's bloody nightmare.

"I just want to say... that I have nothing to say for myself," he blurted out, then froze. That wasn't how it was supposed to go! Judas had already opened his mouth to retract the ridiculous words when he realized... they were true. Oh. "I know what I did to Jesus," he continued, voice clogged thicker and thicker with every word. "I loved him, but I know what I did to him."

A deep shuddery breath, and he was amazed to realize that he felt _better_. Less dirty. "And I know what I did to myself." He touched his neck and looked away, suddenly ashamed to be crying for himself after everything that had happened.

For the first time he was regretting the noose, wishing he had found some other way, but it was much too late for that now. "I know you won't forgive me," he said through his tears. "I accept whatever you tell me, and I won't protest."

The figure inclined its head slowly as though to signify understanding, then raised an arm and pointed to its left.

Judas eyed the door but didn't step towards it. "What - that's _it_?" he asked. His voice was already raw with grief and from there it was but a short step to rage. "That's it?" he repeated. "Not a _word_?"

He had fully expected to be damned, with whatever horrors that entailed, but at least… "My _life_, and my _death_, have been all about Jesus," he choked out, a succession of strangled gasps. "All about _you_ and your impossible commandments and your incomprehensible _message_, and I've done nothing but serve you, and him…" He shook his head. "I know that what I just did was beyond the pale, but I think I deserve something for everything that came before."

It was a good thing the figure wasn't dependent on human hearing; Judas's voice shook so much that the words could not be made out. As it was, he was understood perfectly. _What would you want?_

"I want to see Jesus." It was his first, instinctive answer, and only after he said it did he really know why. He wanted to apologize, certainly. To touch Jesus, to embrace him one last time, to know that everything was all right with him and that he was happy and had found what he'd been seeking. But most importantly, he needed to see Jesus for one thing more: "I want him to tell me himself what you've said with a gesture," Judas said boldly. "I want to be condemned with a kiss, the same way he was. I think he can do that much for me."

He already felt better for having confessed his sin aloud. Repenting in front of Jesus, accepting his punishment from a beloved hand, would be comfort enough to let him face whatever darkness lay ahead.

_You will see Jesus_, he heard at last. _But the rest you do not merit._

Judas fell to his knees, strength gone and heart broken. To be so thoroughly rejected, to be denied the tiny favor he had asked for, told him he carried a sin even more immense than he'd thought.

The figure pointed left again and Judas forced himself to stand and stumble off. But he had to try one more time: "Tell him I'm sorry. Please tell him not to hate me. I never wanted him to be hurt."

But when he wiped his eyes he discovered that the figure was gone and he was alone.

* * *

Judas stood by the left doorway, expecting a nightmarish and instant change from sweet air to sulfurous, from sun to gloom, from the chirping of birds to the screams of tormented souls like himself. He was ready for it. Jesus would see him there sometime, suffering without complaint, and he would have to know then all that Judas had wanted to say.

He was ready. He opened the door and stepped out…

What he saw made his breath catch in his throat.

It was _beautiful_, not fire and brimstone at all but a vast lovely meadow, with all manner of flowers and butterflies, with people reclining everywhere, enjoying themselves in little groups. "_What_?" he said aloud, looking around. No one molested him; no demons materialized to drag him off into a lake of ash. "Hello? What's… this isn't…"

He looked back at the judgment hall and saw that it was much smaller from the outside than it was within; from here it was a tiny hut that Judas could walk around in twenty paces or so.

He did, and saw that on the other side of it was another doorway – the right-hand door. Both doors led to the same paradise? Then… Jesus was right: his sacrifice was enough to redeem everyone after all.

_Mercy and forgiveness for everybody – even me_. Judas backed away, smiling and shaking his head. "And I tried to convince him not to do it," he murmured. "It's a good thing he never listened to me."

He understood now. When he'd been told he didn't _merit_ the favor he'd asked for… it wasn't the kiss that was being withheld, but the punishment. Apparently he didn't merit damnation at all.

It was such a huge and unexpected idea that it took some time to sink in. Judas went to his knees slowly. He put his forehead to the ground and let prayers pour out of his heart almost faster than he could verbalize them. Prayers of gratitude and apology and trust and love, love love _love_ for the one who had done this for him…

He had been there for quite a while, delirious and weeping with joy, when the right-hand door opened and a woman wandered out. Judas wiped his face and stood up, grinning as he watched her take in the beauty that surrounded them. "I know," he said. "Amazing, right?"

But she wasn't listening – her attention was riveted on something behind him. And she wore an awestruck expression that he knew very, very well. _Jesus_.

He turned, and sure enough he could make out a figure in the distance, a figure people were gravitating towards like bees to a flower. "Jesus!" he shouted. He was far too far away to be heard, but he didn't care and took off running, still calling the name.

When he got a little closer it seemed his frantic yelling was having some effect; Jesus turned in his direction and waved an exuberant greeting. He even started walking, quickly, as though he meant to meet his friend halfway…

Judas had never felt so happy in his entire life. Everything he'd ever done, every pain he'd suffered and tear he'd shed for Jesus was all worth it in this moment, _anything_ would be worth it as Jesus opened his arms wide and Judas dove into them…

And fell flat on his face, on the ground. Jesus had passed right through him like mist.

"Hey-" he scrambled up to his feet, turned around.

Jesus was still hurrying, another few steps and then the right-hand-door woman had reached him and fallen to her knees, arms locked around his waist. Jesus put his arms around her too, bent to kiss the top of her head. Loving and blessing her, while Judas looked on with his mouth wide open.

"I know your faith; I heard your prayers," he was telling her, and she was crying.

"I know, Lord, I know you did…"

Judas swallowed. "Jesus? Jesus, look at me – can you even…" He fell silent as understanding began to dawn.

_You will see Jesus…_

He took a lurching step forwards. "Jesus? Can you hear me? No, come on, no please-"

Nothing. He went back to his knees, reached for the hem of Jesus's robe but it was like trying to grab a flame. "Jesus no," he begged again. "Anything, _anything_ else, please not this." Jesus and the woman continued with what they were doing, oblivious to him as he screamed and sobbed wildly, pleaded for the inferno instead.

Eventually Jesus coaxed the woman to her feet and led her back towards where his people had congregated.

Judas crawled after them.

* * *

The End.

_winces_. Sorry, Judas.

Pretty please lemme know what you thought!


End file.
